Two Men and A Baby
by starshwer
Summary: Who says House is good with babies? Oneshot.


A/N: Everybody always has House as being great with kids and babies (me included). What if he wasn't?

When Cuddy announced that she was pregnant he was shocked. He'd known she was trying, hell he'd given her shots, he just never thought it would work. It wasn't that he wanted her to not get pregnant, he just couldn't see her being a mom. He knew that she wanted a baby more than anything, but he didn't think she'd be happy being a single parent.

So when the news came filtering down the grapevine to his little kingdom, he had to take some time for himself. He went and sat in the park by the hospital, just thinking. The table shifted ever so slightly as she sat down next to him. He couldn't look at her. Then she sighed. When he finally got himself to look at her, she fairly glowed. Her face was somber, but everything else about her was luminescent.

"So you're going to go through this?"  
"It looks that way."

"If you need me I'll be there."

"I'm shocked. Gregory House is being compassionate."  
"No. It'll be nice getting to watch the funbags get bigger."

Cuddy whacked him on the shoulder and hopped off the table, walking back inside.

House watched her; it was going to be an interesting six months.

At every turn House had been making comments about her body. In the middle of the clinic he'd announced that her breasts had to be two full cup sizes bigger. When she glared and turned to walk away, he added that her butt was bigger too. She whirled back to berate him, but he just limped away to an exam room, humming "My Humps."

After she'd had the baby, nobody saw her very much. Cuddy mainly stayed out of the hospital for the first few months. She showed up a few times to visit people, but never stayed very long.

That day she had to go to the board meeting. At the last second, her sitter cancelled, and Cuddy was in a panic. She rushed to the conference room, hoping to find Cameron, and instead she found House playing video games with Wilson. The two men looked up as she walked in.

"Where's Cameron?"  
"Doing tests. Why?" House looked at the baby as if it were a bomb about to explode.

"Damn. I was really hoping she was free."

"Don't tell me." Wilson chuckled, "You need someone to look after Scott."

"Yeah. I was hoping Cameron would. Although it doesn't look like you two are doing anything."

Both men began to panic. "No!...We're very busy. Very, very busy!"

"I think I have a meeting, or a patient, or something!" They blurted out.

Cuddy chuckled. "It's under an hour. I think you two can handle a baby. Although if Cameron comes back, feel free to pawn this task off on her." With that, Cuddy deposited the baby in Wilson's arms and the diaper bag in House's and walked out of the room.

They just stared after her in horror. Wilson looked down at the baby on his lap in pure terror, "What do we do?"

"She just left it." House was still starring out the door, as if she would walk back in and say "Just kidding!"

Wilson held Scott out to House. "Here, you take it."

"Don't give it to me! She left it on you. That's got to mean something."

"I...I...there's a reason why I never had kids!"

"Yeah, you weren't ever home long enough. I am so obviously not equipped to raise children."

At this point Chase and Foreman walked in, stopped, starred at the baby, and then burst out laughing.

House and Wilson looked highly offended. "What is so funny?" House asked scathingly.

Five minutes later, when Foreman had started breathing again, he croaked out, "You two with a baby!"

At this the two fellows continued to laugh hysterically. At one point Chase actually had to sit down on the floor he was laughing so hard. When they finally began to calm down, House and Wilson still looked offended. "I still don't see what's funny." Wilson commented.

Foreman sat down in one of the chairs at the table. "You two act like he's going to explode. He's just a baby."

"Then you can take care of him." House offered.

Foreman's eyes got big. "Me! No way!...I...Cuddy left him with you. He's your responsibility."

Chase was still laughing slightly. "How about you, Wombat? I'll do your clinic hours if you take care of the Rug Rat."

Chase paled. "I think I'd rather do my own clinic hours. I'd rather die than take care of Cuddy's kid."

The two male fellows then made a hasty exit, muttering excuses.

Wilson and House watched them go, looks of despair on their faces. "Here, you take him." Wilson held the baby out to House.

"No!"

"I have to go to the bathroom!"

"Right! You're going to leave and then never come back."

"I promise I'll come back. You just have to hold him while I'm gone."

House grudgingly took the baby and held it out at arm's length. Wilson then hastily made his way out of the conference room. While he was still gone, Cuddy came back in.

"That wasn't so bad, now was it?"  
"It was horrible. Chase and Foreman laughed at us." House turned with the baby. "You take it."

"He has a name. It's Scott."

"I prefer 'Rug Rat.' I think it has a nice ring to it. Just take the kid!"

Cuddy chuckled as she reclaimed her son. "Did you like getting to spend some time with Uncle House?"

House scowled. "I am not that thing's uncle."

"He's not a dog House. And you are his uncle. Live with it." She recollected the diaper bag and made her way out the door, past Wilson who looked significantly relieved that they no longer had to take care of Scott.

"At least that's over."

"You do know she's going to make us do it again sometime, right Uncle House?"

"What!?"

"Yeah. She had that look on her face. Next time we should hide in the clinic. She'll never think to look for us there."

"Good idea. Should we go now?"

"No. I think we're okay for a little while. Tomorrow though."

"Tomorrow." The men sat back down and resumed their game, still glancing nervously out the door.

A/N: Just a little oneshot thing that was running rampant around my head. If any of you have ever seen Sense and Sensibility, Hugh Laurie has this hilarious role. He's like House in the 1700s. There's a scene in there where he's holding his baby, with this look on his face of "Why! Why God! Why!" (Starts laughing again and then regains control) Ahem, anyway, you should totally see that part of the movie, that's what inspired this little scene.


End file.
